The other night I did the funniest thing. I tried going to sleep without my phone. I started to wondered at what point did I stop doing this and why? It was so strange and familiar all at the same time. Like going back to your old prep school years later and having old memories hit you like a hot dinner plate.
The reason I started sleeping with the accompaniment of my phone was because I had started hang with night owls and I was intent on getting every message no matter how much sleep I lost. Haven’t gotten a full 8 hours since but I’ll never regret it.
Laying there in the darkness reminded me of when I used to meditate on my whole life at night. I used to do all my deliberating then. I thought about my day, the people in my life and my dreams for tomorrow. I was very imaginative but more naive than I would ever come to understand. I would sing songs with myself, give myself lectures, think of all sorts of unattainable situations. I do remember looking forward to it to an extent. But not for very long.
It was then I remembered how I hated the night when I was a child. I hated that it was dark and no matter how dark it was I would always see things. Things I couldn’t explain, not very well anyways. Only my mother and my uncle knew about my “sight”. Perhaps I watched too many graphic television shows or perhaps an overactive imagination. Either way it was a living hell to go to sleep and so I often didn’t until the late hours of the night and not without something covering my head so I didn’t have to see. It all began with a series of horrific nightmares. It would have with the same antagonists, same story arc but slightly different details. If it was a serial killer on the loose I always die first. If it was a tsunami, I never make it to the ship in time. If it was a murder mystery I always find out who the killer is just before they out me
By the time I was 9 the nightmares stopped but the lingering apprehension to sleep continues to this day. Even now as I write this I’m procrastinating so that I don’t have the time to gentle meditate to sleep, I would rather knock out than allow my mind to wander. I’m still working on curbing that feeling but for now. Long nights with my laptop or phone will be my ideal nighttime ritual.